RETURN TO THE GYM

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to get in shape. I know the only way to successfully get fit this is to join the gym. Like so many people at this time of year, I am sucked in by the promise of ‘fantastic results’ and ‘no joining fees with the first month free’.  

But I am sure that this time will be different. I have my water bottle, my new trainers and I have ordered my whey protein. I am determined to make it to the gym three times a week... for at least the first three months.

Whilst I enjoy the feeling of a good workout, there are some aspects of the gym experience that I wish weren't there:

The Gym Rats.  

Predominantly men who spend the better part of the day in the gym, building up an obscene amount of muscle. They can name every single one of them but probably couldn't tell you what an adjective is. Judging by their loud conversations with fellow gym rats, when they're not working out they are either chasing or avoiding some poor girl they hooked up with last week, learning new swear words from their kid brother, or picking up their job-seeker’s allowance.

The Old 'Friend' I Haven’t Seen In Ages.

I successfully avoid seeing them and then when I'm on the cross trainer looking like crap, they pop over for a catch up.  If I wanted to catch up I would ring them. I haven’t, so let’s not chat whilst I slowly dehydrate. And you know they’ll tell a mutual friend that you’re hitting the gym in a bid to lose the weight you've piled on since they last saw you.

On the off chance it is somebody I’m pleased to see, I’ll get of the machine I’m precariously hanging off and have a chat, maybe even suggest we become gym buddies before realising they are much fitter than I am and couldn't possibly keep up. Once we've finally finished our conversation I have lost the will to carry on with my workout.

The Pushy Trainer 

They are constantly trying to push personal training sessions at a 'reasonable price'. Why should I pay more than what I pay now to turn up here three times (twice) a week? Even though I get two for free when I sign up, I’m told that these sessions are “an investment in my future”. Really? Or are you just looking to grab a quick buck? Surely as gym staff they should be on hand to help out anyway? The trainer who is so keen to have a one-on-one training session is the very same one who says he is too busy to show me how to use the new bit of gym kit, whilst he sits on a ball behind the desk flirting with the new female dance teacher.

My perfect gym would be one without the stupidly high price tags. £49 a month is a bit much for a gym that has one branch and a pool that’s always closed for repairs. There wouldn't be a waiting list for the only class you could make, and the gym staff would helpful and actually have undergone training. 

Yes I would like it if there was a no touching rule, a ban on tight cycling shorts, and that no small screaming children are allowed on the premises. If all young people with ASBOs could also be kept away that would be great. Oh and if a familiar face does walk in, a helpful member of staff could usher them to another area of the gym. Or a little placard with DO NOT DISTURB printed on it could be handed out on arrival so the I could let people know in the most efficient possible way.

Is this too much to ask? Who else shares my gym pet peeves? Do you have any of your own? Let me know and good luck if you too are signing up again this year.